Bigger Than My Body

Yesterday when I was out of town with my family, I had a little talk with my dad. I always admire my dad especially because of his willingness to change. I think of my dad as a very good father, but to my older siblings and my mom he wasn’t always like that, he wasn’t that nice before I was born they say. Let’s just say that my dad once was a very bad boy and one day (after he looked at my lucky baby face* hehe) he decided to change to be a better man, and he succeeded. My father always told me that what saved him at that time, what made him changed were knowledge and understandings where in the case of my father they came from Chinese sayings and books. Yeah, in other words, once books and sayings saved my dad, and indirectly they helped my father raised me as a child. Oh and what a beautiful thing that several years ago, books once saved my life too. Well, to be more exact it saved me from insanity and big depression. When I was on the top of depression where everything looked so dark, I accidentally came across to a book which guided me out of my depression gradually. Since that time, I knew exactly why my father loves to read.

After sharing some feelings, I think I am in the mood to share some more. Several days ago, I was a bit angry with my friend. Well, she commented on how I changed so much these days, well in a bad way not in a good way. She said that I am being hard to talk to, that I am so moody, that I am always thinking of weird stuff, that it is not fun to talk with me.

Right after I put down the phone. I was trying to analyze why I became so angry, why she said that, was it all true what she just said? Well, I appreciate her honesty, after all they say that praises comes from your enemy and critiques comes from your teacher, but still, it hurt me, after all, in these days, what I really need is encouragements and not critiques. I know several things that I really need to change, and I am trying; those words went straight to my heart, took away my newly built confidence.

Well, I was trying to conclude that she was just tired herself, maybe now that she is not as popular as she was, she just really needed to criticize someone so that she could feel better about herself, but that was not wise for me to think like that. So, I tried to come to a better conclusion, maybe it was the fact that I did not talk to her much whenever we went out together that made her feel that way about me. Maybe she just tried to help me. Maybe she is just not lucky enough to be so wise that all she says can make someone else be happy - after all she is just a woman and a woman is not an angel.
Or maybe, she was just being honest, and she was right about several things she said, and maybe she believed that I did not know that facts that she really had to tell me about that.

• I am hard to talk to … well oh yeah I have no idea why I adopted this undesirable trait but it’s kind of true that for someone I barely knew and especially women, I am not a good talker at all, but I think I listen better.
• I am so moody … well, it’s true at some points, and I’ve been thinking about this too. For now, my educated guess is that coffee and beers are the causes. I am working on it though.
• I am always thinking of weird stuff … well, it’s not exactly weird. Maybe I am not good at presenting what I know such that I make it seems weird. I am trying to think of something very clear and useful, I am just trying to make a difference, maybe the problem is I am not really good at it. In that case, I will try to be better especially at presenting them next time.
• It is not fun to talk with me … Ok, I am working on it …

Sometimes I wonder, what changed me so much in these years?
Several years ago, I still could feel in my blood the aggresive tempers that I got from my father, but lately, I turned into more and more introvert and quiet, oh man how I miss to be a bad boy. It isn’t that nice, because most of the time, I have to avoid confrontations, swallow my anger which indirectly damage my body. It was a good achievement at first, and I boosted my confidence, but after a while, I began to forgot how to be really angry, how to confront people. In result, nowadays, I frequently found my self speechless; I can’t protect even my own pride and it made me cry at times.

I’m not sure though that it was the only reason I changed so much these years. I’m pretty sure that my 5yrs journey in the states was responsible for this too. I find difficulty to determine the exact reason though.

Lun Yu - The Analects.
Chapter 1, paragraph 1, To Learn.

Confucius said, “Isn’t it a joy to acquire knowledge and be able to put it to use?”

And I really wish I could ask this question to the master, “Oh, master. I find a joy in learning and acquiring knowledge, but I am not sure if I am any good at using them, or maybe more like presenting them. What should I do? What should I do?”

Confucius said, “… Isn’t he a gentleman who bears no grudge against those who do not know his strength?”

I only wear a third class clothes, yet I want everybody to notice about it, what a shame ... I’m sorry.. I’m sorry for being so cocky … I should remind my self, I should remind my self, I should remind my self more.